My Name Written All Over It: Lockwood, CA

This is truly a thing of beauty and distinction.

I have been waiting to write about this little town for SUCH a long time. It’s a town that maybe a half dozen of you have ever heard of; a place that none of you have ever visited. I don’t care. I must get the word out about this monument to all civilization. This town is majestic, this town is magnificent, this town… has my name written all over it.

The signs on Highway 101 north of Paso Robles have teased me for years: Lockwood, Exit 1 Mile. Lockwood, Right Lane. Lockwood, (arrow pointed to 2 o’clock). A few weeks ago, I took these signs as literal commands from the CalTrans gods, exited the freeway as specifically directed by name, and followed the winding one lane road west to the town of Lockwood.

…and pictured above is basically the extent of what I found in the town of Lockwood: The Lockwood Store And Diner. It appears that the kind and generous people of Lockwood have not only named this fine town after yours truly, but they have also erected a Store and Diner in my fair name! As I pulled up to the Lockwood Store And Diner (or as I call it, the “Me Store And Diner”), I gleefully disobeyed all established societal norms as I parked my car over three spaces at once. If anybody were to give me grief over my parking job, I would merely have politely smiled in their general direction, then had the offender promptly thrown in jail for dissent.

Now, then. As this is the Lockwood Store And Diner, I fully expect the Store to be stocked with the purest of Highly-Caffeinated Green Beverages, the finest in dried meats, and shall offer beverages in sizes no smaller than 32 ounces. The Diner shall feature on its menu veritable mounds of nacho chips, the choicest of grilled meats, the occasional organic vegetable, and its televisions shall be tuned to Comcast SportsNet California when the Oakland Athletics play, and they shall be tuned to Prime Ticket when the UCLA Bruins compete.

Most importantly, the Lockwood Store And Diner shall be OPEN! You’ve gotta be kidding me! The one day I spend in this town clearly named after me, the only business in that town is closed! Oh man, instead of offering my debit card for payment, then seeing the look on the store clerk’s face upon his realization that the town’s namesake is gracing the residents with his presence, I’m just going to have to imagine the look on his face.

All of this being said, the town is quite obviously still a work in progress, as there are few buildings to speak of apart from the Lockwood Store And Diner, roughly two stop signs in town, and, by the looks of it, about 7 houses. But hey, Los Angeles took over 200 years to get to where it’s at today. As Lockwood was only founded in 1888, it’s COMPLETELY unreasonable to expect this fledgling town to just grow into a metropolis overnight. The town’s area code is 831, and as far as progress goes, that’s already light years ahead of most cities and several counties. However, the next time I visit I expect more progress and improvements! I expect monuments in recognition of my achievements! And I expect the Me Store And Diner to be open!